Dec 19, 2014

Being a mother. Being exaggerate

It was almost 12midnight and my mom was busy walking here and there checking up her phone, repetitively asking about my not- yet come- back- home brother and non stop venting her frustrations. That pressured me a lot. Especially to have as such exaggerating acts laid on me while i was feeling extremely exhausted after many sleepless nights et causa breastfeeding my few days old little baby caliph Muhammad per hourly as he has neonatal jaundice and at the same time keeping my movements "ayu lagi penuh sopan" taking care of my episiotomy suture for a proper perineal recovery (iyyolah... amiin), suffocated with the loooong bengkung jawa wrapping me extremely tight from the tips of my ribs down to my thigh, and the so called tiredness and tense a woman in her confinement period  would have. For a moment, i felt like suggesting her to ignore about my brother and just go to bed and yeah, there was a devil's whisper in my mind: "stop being exaggerating, Mak.."


I'm that person who masked up with a professional, serious, and calm look to convey the death of my AML patient i failed to resuscitate. I drenched in tears in less than 10 minutes for that, then keeping my chin up back as my shift continues. Lots more patients to handle.. On the other hand, i'm too that person who came up with a genuine pathetic face, golf ball eyes and swelling, thick, red nose due to extreme crying upon having Fateh (who was 1 year plus that time) being diagnosed, initially, with meningitis. I booked a ticket to fly back to Malaysia as soon as i got the news, had my clinical rotation paused right away, took 2 weeks break, leaving all my duties and tasks behind. That AML kid is someone else kid, and Fateh is my very own baby.

I'm that person who advised people to keep calm when having certain minor problems throughout their pregnancy, giving positives statements so as to make them feel secured and safe. I even used to feel quite funny when mommies got scared far beyond what they should have actually do. On the other hand, i'm too that person who had my mind and soul crowded with continuous traffics of worries and fear when having antepartum hemorrhage on the early days of my 3rd trimester. Bugging my colleagues especially Dr Alia, reporting and asking things over and over.. No, i did not worry about myself, it was the foetus (whose currently called as Muhammad) growing inside that i was indeed concerned about. My very own baby.

I'm that person who stood firmly, trying my best to manage the bleeding of this one patient having trauma of the head and face in ER. It had to be done fast yet maintaining grace so no lousy- job was made (let's be honest and frank.. i actually quite slow- mo in stitching.. hoo). On the other hand, i'm too that person who turned chaos, shocked, and blur when Fateh (8 months old that time), cut his tongue with his Abi's razor. Seeing the active bleeding from the tongue of my baby was a lot more horror than watching the movie Saw. It took me quite a while to do the 1st aid. How could i breath in serenity whilst it was my very own baby bleeding~

I'm that person who comfort many, including my very own sisters when their babies having prolonged jaundice, motivating them with so called wise words and pouring such beautiful wishes and prayers. Even a day before i gave birth to Muhammad, Yatie whatsapped me and told me about her niece whose having prolonged jaundice and i properly explained and yes, coaxed her up.  On the other hand, i'm too that person who until now, is not yet free from being upset and worry about Muhammad having prolonged jaundice. Seeing his blood withdrawn many times and heard him crying make my heart cracked in pain. I felt hurt. How can i have my self coaxed and motivated as easy? Bounded to watch him, in his slumbering, cherubic beauty, regarding every detail of the curve of his face and the movements he makes- and much of what i recorded from these marathon observation sessions is- muka anak ummi kuning lagi.. It's my very own baby who is now sick.

So Muhammad is all cool and steady having his blood sucked out-. Blood sampling done terus tido nyenyak, tapi ummi yang lebih2 sedih sebak meratapi nasib..

I used to feel abnormal. Felt so guilty and a lot like a bipolar somebody until i read dr Harlina's blog, sharing how much she went out blank when her baby girl got knocked off, having a red swelling bump on her forehead. Busy getting shocked and pity the baby, asking out what to do- whilst she's a doctor herself, albeit that case was a mere minor haematome.

Being exaggerate is normal for mothers and for mothers to be such an ignorance towards the matter of her kid- no matter how old the kid is, would be as much disrupting the natural order of the human being (my hypothesis).

Tell me how much someone is worth for her womb to be the very 1st place for one's heart to grow? For the beautiful, long process from nutfah to a complete ready- to- breath outside insan? To bear the wahnan 'ala wahnin of pregnancy? To keep bold and strong for the birth of the new caliph? Being geared up with extra softer heart yet entitled for an extra tougher job, prone for an overwhelming and exaggerating roller coaster of emotions yet maintain her sanity?

So Rasulullah s.a.w answered.

"Your mother.
Your mother.
Your mother.
And then your father."

Talk about Uwais al Qarni whose named mentioned among the members of Arasy by him devoting sincerely to his mother..

Motherhood is different with one kid. And it is when biidznillah, i now have two. I've been through different things with both and i believe Mak had been through much much much more with 13 children. And so does your mother..

In case there are things you find that your mother had been acting exaggeratedly; her nags and madness seeing how you are doing so no- discipline orang dalam pantang (huff.. huff..), her heart pouring rigmarole about you not spending valuable times with her and choose your programme and schedule on top (baby, darling.. ehem.ehem), complaining about your friend or your life-time partner, the neverending nags about you not getting married yet, that abundance of comments about your whatever thoughts, talks, and acts, etc etc etc etc etc; before you ever  started to feel bugged, annoyed, or even dare to say such hard words towards her or throw such sour- plum heart- stabbing look,

remember, it's through her that Allah allows you to ever exist in this world.

No odd when a mother being exaggerate now as a mother had been so since ever.
Exaggerate about how well we're doing in their womb. "Eh. Baby dalam peyut ni gerak tak?" "Baby sihat tak?" "Baby ok tak?" And to add, those food we indirectly made them exaggeratedly craving for..
Exaggerate with the will and strength throughout the pregnancy and the very long extended hours of giving birth to us. Exaggerate as trust me, the power and the ability to bear astoundingly great pain a woman have to deliver a baby despite being weak and tired are a great miracle.. i have goosebumps everytime i recall the moment i had myself....,,
Exaggerate in raising us up despite all the roles and matters they carry on their shoulder..

When was the last time you look at your mother with a very dear feeling?
When was the last time you cheer her up by doing things that signify how important she is in your life?
When was the last time you consider that what she feels and thinks matter a lot?
When was the last time you hug and kiss her?

2011. that's my mother. 2014. Now i'm a mother. A mother of 2..

When was the last time i did so?


1. Baby and Darling are my sisters.
2. Tolong doakan Muhammad ye.. He's thriving well so far, Alhamdulillah. Gained 1kg plus within 22days, and very active.. Muka bulat dagu berlapik.. But really, i'm very concerned with his prolonged jaundice.. It's pretty normal especially that he's a (borderline) premature baby, still- doakan semoga Muhammad sihat walafiat k. Jazakumullahu kheir..

Nov 21, 2013


Dan bacakanlah (wahai Muhammad) di dalam kitab Al Quran ini perihal Maryam, ketika dia memencilkan diri dari keluarganya di sebuah tempat sebelah timur.

Kemudian Maryam membuat dinding untuk melindungi dirinya dari mereka maka Kami hantarkan kepadanya Ruh dari Kami lalu ia menyamar diri kepadanya sebagai seorang lelaki yang sempurna bentuk kejadiannya.

Maryam berkata: Sesungguhnya aku berlindung kepada (Allah) Ar Rahman daripadamu, kalaulah engkau seorang yang bertaqwa.

(Maryam, 19: 16- 18)

Maryam, a girl known well, very well, not only to almost every soul in this dunnya, but far across the arasy'. A woman, so precious she is that a surah is named after her and her story is being told over and over again in many other surah in the Quran. A woman, so noble not only with that golden blood running in her veins, but also for the fact that she's positioned in the very same line among the woman promised for a an absolute secured guarantee for a place in Jannah, and indeed, a special place to Allah.

So famous she is whilst ironically, for the truth- she's a woman most covered,
best well- kept secret ever.

Such a clean girl. No dirt.



"ketika dia memencilkan diri dari keluarganya"

She was born from the fruits of hope, promise, and prayer beyond for the sake of the continuation of the zurriyyat- greater it is, for the sake of the Deen, for Allah. She was placed away, far, far away from the hectic and chaos of dunnya and she, herself was being honest with it. She pulled herself away from those either. There's no such thing that she had herself stood for rebel or anything as such upon what was being decided by her mother and by her uncle Nabi Zakaria. She was placed far, far from the superficial guardian of hers.

What do we, the ladies do when we are away from our family? From our guardian? How do we behave? How do we dress ourselves as? How do we socialize?

Let Maryam teaches us..

"Maryam membuat dinding untuk melindungi dirinya dari mereka"

Literally, it was a place she hides in, giving her shades and protection. Nabi Zakaria built her a small house for her to live her life, for her to perform her 'ibadah.

Nonetheless, highlight there- the statement saying Maryam builds a wall while we know from the story, his uncle Nabi Zakaria who won the voting upon being her guardian was the one who built the house for her. Could it mean a young girl like her helping out, lifting up bricks assisting the construction of the house for her to live in? It's more than just those building we can vividly think of, really.. It's the wall, a barrier Maryam created on her own, to protect herself from "them". Talk about those that often drag us, the ladies from where we are supposed to stand still at; alluring fashionable clothes, dresses, jeweleries, high heels..

"maka Kami hantarkan kepadanya Ruh dari Kami lalu ia menyamar diri kepadanya sebagai seorang lelaki yang sempurna bentuk kejadiannya."

And yes, another thing a girl is undeniably often being tested with- guys (hot guys, to be exact..). 

We should admit this, don't we? The guys we secretly admire of, guys we saw or met even for a few minutes but already have their faces and figures floating in our mind, guys that give us heavy hot blush and heart thump, guys we shout out loud for, guys we spend some or a lot of time with and of whom crowding our heart and soul, leaving only a little space for Allah to conquer our thoughts, our 'ibadah, our life..

Guys who make ladies fall and even give everything with no solid and Allah- permitted reasons.. Guys who make ladies; the non hijabis, hijabis, and even niqabis to have their dignity and shame directly or indirectly melts away, blurring or even go against the principle of pure ikhtilat..

So Maryam, tell us more. More. What kind of building it is? What kind of wall you made to protect yourself?

"Maryam berkata: Sesungguhnya aku berlindung kepada (Allah) Ar-Rahman daripada (gangguan) mu kalaulah engkau seorang yang bertaqwa."

Her wall is made of avoidance. An escaped of avoidance.
It's made of the strong virtue of Iman, filled with the strong feeling of awareness and fear.

"Sesungguhnya aku berlindung kepada (Allah) Ar Rahman.."

She's aware of her condition. Being a woman, which is logically weaker than a man. She's alone in her place. No doubt she's in fear. Fear to what can possibly done by a man towards a woman. And defenitely it is- fear to Allah. She aware of her status- a muslim woman. She made her effort anyhow. Big effort- hiding and at that moment, taking not even a single step or try to approach the guy. Not opening even a little inch of opportunity for him to get her. None. As for that, she then surrendered. No, not to the guy. Not to that handsome, perfect guy in front of her. To Allah. And she have a strong faith to the Most Loving Allah.

"..daripadamu kalaulah engkau seorang yang bertaqwa."

And she has faith to the guy too. To the pious, devoted guy- if that's who he is. 

There, Maryam does tell us a simple, basic criteria of "seorang yang bertaqwa". No such nonsense of aku mendambakan lelaki yang boleh menjadi imam etc, etc, etc.. At times, we don't have to wish or seeking so much for the pious man where it's enough for us to be able to spot them.

And you see, there's a possibility for a "good man" to somehow be anywhere around a girl, around girls, but strictly it is- no such thing that can pollute the atmosphere of taqwa. He will do nothing, as in n.o.t.h.i.n.g; in term of no whatever- whatsoever, small- the- matter and no- purpose talks or actions. If there's any, it's going to be significantly important, and it's fillah. 


"Allah melihat ke dalam hati para hambaNya. Dan didapatiNya hati Muhammad s.a.w adalah yang paling putih. Maka Allah memilih Nabi dan utusan yang membawa risalah penutupNya. Lalu Allah melihat lagi ke dalam hati para hambaNya, maka didapatiNya hati sahabat- sahabat Muhammad adalah yang paling jernih. Maka Dia pun menjadikan mereka sahabat yang mendukung dan menolongnya dalam menegakkan risalah."
(Abdullah ibn Mas'ud)

kita jaga diri k.

Putih, jernihkan diri kita, Allah akan atur kita untuk bersama dengan orang2 yang putih, jernih juga. Bersama hidup untukNya, bersama tsabat di jalanNya. Bersama di syurga.

Akh Ammar died at a young age, as a syahidullah, biidznillah.
No girls living in this dunnya deserves him, perhaps.
And Maryam, a virgin who was made pregnant, biidznillah, without a husband.
No guys living in this dunnya deserves her, perhaps..
-al fatihah-

Jun 9, 2013

One of the menu for Ramadhan

"Dah berapa juz?"
"Hari tu tak baca. Kena kejar ni~"
"Pecut. Pecut. Must khatam in this 1 month Ramadhan!"

Ramadhan is around the corner, hunneyys.. And those above, familiar, eh? At one point, we are so much in a rush to reach that khatam- in- 1 - month target that we forgot the functions of the Quran itself..
I was asked about Quran pelangi for wanita that day. I've seen it; very beautiful- just enough to make my womanly heart to melt.. It's a good choice to motivate us in reciting Quran, I admit. I great bestfriend will it make too, insya Allah for its handy size, contents which are packed with a lot, A LOT of extremely beneficial assests and, and cute.
By far, now I already have my so- called Quran pelangi though and it took me years to finally found this special soulmate of mine..


I have 2 Quran within these 2 years. The 1st one was given by Emak- Jazakillahu khoir Emak.. While the later one was bought and chose all by myself.. I bought it several months ago and Alhamdulillah, used the most till now.

The Quran's name is AL HIDAYAH. If I can describe it in brief- it's the miniature of the "Quran Miracle". It's that "Al Quran per kata", comes in a half- A4- size. Not that small, honestly, nonetheless for what it gives- it's a lot handy. I was at first a bit uneasy the fact that the words are each put in quite a distance, but a lot of recitations helps in adapting that matter fast, and over time, enabled the same way of recitation with other Quran, insya Allah.

I'm in my clinical rotation period of my Medical course. I'm in that environment where I have less chances to dedicate myself to focus to learn Arabic language. Having this Quran + dictionary all in one is indeed, helps me in learning and practicing, if not abundance, then a lot of Arabic words. Personally, biidznillah, it's extremely supports me in knowing the meaning and to tadabbur each ayah deeper.

It has instructions and teachings of Tajweed, through numbers and symbols in every page. Yes. Every page. I'm no good in Tajweed. Nevertheless, I'd rather be ashamed in not being able to recite the words of Allah in proper Tajweed than not being able to speak in English with proper grammar.. I can't manage to have a fix schedule to have an Ustazah to teach me reciting Quran in its appropriate manner, so this is the most I can do so far. Alhamdulillah, my recitation is better guided. This way, I may not be doing it perfect, still, but efforts count, isn't it?

Every word comes with translation and the full translations it has at the side biidznillah, provide great assistance to memorize the surah. Some people can memorize the surah even without knowing the meaning of each ayah, but I found greater ease in memorizing the surah as to know its translation. Like reciting Al Muzzammil during Qiammullail with the meanings soaking up our soul gives goosebumps externally and internally, it indeed is..

It tells a lot of Asbabun Nuzul. Previously, little that I know that one surah may contain several asbabun Nuzul the fact that parts of ayah represents different background and reasons for them to be sent down. Knowing that, I had my run for the Quran that can help me to know that behind- the- scene- stories. One page of Quran can even tells 4 different asbabun Nuzul. I love stories. I love reading. This is a.w.e.s.o.m.e.

Al Hidayah, be a company for me in my qubr, a good witness for me during the day of Al Haq, please..

I wrapped it for the sake of enabling me to have them in my hands. The atmosphere I'm breathing it doesn't always accept- directly or indirectly, people reciting Quran at any possible place and time. Having my Quran wrapped in the same wrapping paper like my other notebook, biidznillah, it made quite a well done camouflage. Woman and their beautified stuff, nothing odd..

So that's my Quran, one of the must- have menu I put in the list of my Ramadhan's menu.


Setiap yang wujud itu ada ruhnya.. kan..
Bond our ruh with the ruh of our Quran and lit up the ruh of Ramadhan.. When it comes to choosing a Quran, choose it in ways of how you can really use it to the fullest. I mean it. Trust me, there's a great something- something reason. beyond words to explain upon why it's one of the 2 things Rasulullah s.a.w asked us to firmly hold on tight to.

Ramadhan is near. Very near. It's the month of the revelation of Quran. It's a birthday deserve most a "huge" celebration, isn't it? So together, lets.

It's we who define our Ramadhanlicious ourselves.

Salam Ramadhan.

In case you are interested to either of the Quran,
tafaddhol, tafaddholi, welcome to contact me for details:)
RM 55 for Al Hidayah and RM 85 for Quran pelangi tajwid wanita.
Whatsapp: +62 8222 673 673 1  


Apr 28, 2013

Diary of Al Fateh

"Sesungguhnya aku redha dengan ujian Allah terhadapku. Aku redha ulat- ulat ini memakan dagingku kerana Allah yang membenarkannya. Allah yang memberiku penyakit ini. Sekiranya aku tidak redha, bagaimana akanku peroleh redha Allah?"

(Nabi Ayub a.s when asked about his action of putting back the dropping larvae which had been nesting, eating out the broken skin of his wound during the period of his great illness.) 


Monday, 8th of April 2013

I experienced runny nose and a bit of cough, medically termed as Rhinopharyngitis. Perhaps it was due to my immune- compromised state et causa post- MMR immunization on the very last week that I easily got infected with that through Mak Dek and Kak Tuya or either one of those, or because of both..

Oh. It’s Ummi’s birthday today. Minus 25..
Tabarakallah Ummi:')

Ummi made a special home- made cheesy rainbow cake for my very 1st birthday. I'm making her one too one day, biidznillah..

Wednesday, 10th of April 2013

I started getting quite feverish that night.
Syafi Al Fateh ya Allah..

Thursday, 11th of April 2013: 

I was all feverish, felt so unwell that I cried a lot. That evening, around 4pm plus, Mak Dek Whatsapp Ummi telling about bringing me to see a doctor. I bet Ummi would be worrying about me over there..

Went back home, around 6.30pm, I got a seizure. Yes. Seizure. About 1 minute or two. Uwan, Pak Long, Mak Dek and everyone was so shocked and scared. That night, I was again brought to the clinic.

Friday, 12th of April 2013:

My body felt very hot. Feverish, still, despite that antipyretic suppository drug *urgh*. That morning Uwan and Pak Lang brought me to the hospital and I was admitted.

Several attacks occurred during the admission.

I was right away transferred to PHDW, somewhat like ICU, but a for a little less critical paediatric case. I was half awake that time. I couldn’t sit down. I couldn’t even lift up my head. Uwan and doctors kept calling my name. All I could do was staring them back. They tickled my foot, and I could only make a firm extension of my foot as my defense mechanism. I whined of being ill..

Sakit penghapus dosa.. Tapi Ya Allah.. Fateh tecik lagi..
Uhm.. Ni mesti ujian Allah untuk kuatkan Fateh. Yaqeen!

In the midst of that, Abi was told about my condition. Then Abi told Ummi. Oh yes. Abi was in Jordan. Ummi was in Indonesia. Far.

How I wish this world is as small as my baby toe..
Once told, Ummi’s heart skipped beating for a second. Shivered. There were cocktails of sentiments agitating in Ummi’s heart. Terribly upset. Mad. Disappointed. Regret. She held her tears. I know Ummi well, very well. She’s a cry baby. A real cry baby. But there, Ummi held it with all the power she could made herself up. After talking to Uwan, she talked to the doctor. She asked for GCS, my type of seizures, my laboratory results.

I was measured 39.4 degree celcius. My GCS scored 8.
My FBC had it Lymphocytosis and a slight decrease in Haematocrit percentage.

Hyperpyrexia. Seizures. Altered consciousness.
Viral Meningitis?

At 10pm plus. Another attack. My GCS dropped.

The wall securing Ummi’s fortitude collapsed. Ummi bursted into tears. Great flood of tears. She recalled all the ME and Encephalitis patients she handled during her clinical rotation in the department of Paediatric before.

Aku adalah apa yang disangkakan hambaKu terhadapKu.

My baby Fateh will be alright. My superbaby Fateh will be alright.
I know You'll take care of him. Take good care of him.

Ummi booked a flight ticket to Malaysia that night. Her colleagues helped her packing her things up, informed our specialist for an emergency leave and drove her back to Jogjakarta. That 1 hour journey from Klaten to Jogja was like walking on the sharp glasses to Ummi.

Ummi recalled things back. Back. Back. All the things she had, she's facing after she made her Hijrah. And she recalled back. Back. Back. When she was drowning in the mud of sins and through all the jahiliyyah still sticking so strong in her till now. She blamed herself for that. She felt as much as if the punishments for all the sins she did was poured on me.

Ummi texted Aunty Ain and Kak Shida. She needed her calming angels to sooth her, to accompany her. To indirectly make her stop having all the negative, pressuring thoughts.

Ummi soaked herself in their tight, warm hugs. She shed some tears on their shoulders, but this time, no, she didn’t cry like a hungry baby with them. But she did so to Allah. 

That was the first time, a chatter- box Ummi who loves to tell mountain of stories to Allah lost her words in front of The Best to Listen. She felt upset, hurt. One after another things over and over again happened, are happening to her and she tried to place that sense of redha at her best, but now she felt as much as if her heart was exploding.

"Kenapa Fateh ya Allah..?"

Most of what she asked for is for Allah to give me the best of strength to go through all this. For Allah to give us the best of strength to go through all this.

Ummi cried. Cried. Cried.

Allah.. Please know, it's not that Ummi is giving up on You. She was deeply upset of herself. She felt ignored at one point and that makes her scared.. I know You never ignore Ummi O Allah. I know You never ignore us. I can't coax Ummi, nonetheless I know, Allah have His best of way to sooth her clouded heart. He always know how to do so.

Remember when no one able to comfort the pathetic heart of the mother of Musa a.s when she was to sail the few days old baby Musa a.s away? When she was afraid of things that may harm him? He coaxed her. He did it. He, The Most Knowing, Most Loving and Most Merciful.

Dan Kami ilhamkan kepada ibu Musa: "Susukanlah dia dalam pada itu, jika engkau takutkan sesuatu bahaya mengenainya (dari angkara Firaun), maka (letakkanlah dia di dalam peti dan) lepaskanlah dia ke laut dan janganlah engkau merasa bimbang dan jangan pula berdukacita sesungguhnya Kami akan mengembalikannya kepadamu, dan Kami akan melantiknya menjadi salah seorang dari Rasul-rasul Kami".
(Al Qasas, 28: 7)

Saturday, 13th of April 2013

It was 5pm plus. She dressed in black. All black, except her light metallic pink glasses. I heard her whispered Alhamdulillah when she landed me her 1st kiss. She took out a set of colorful blocks for me to play with, and there, I could see her eyes watered when I threw and kicked them off. Annoying me, eh?
My Paediatric GCS already hit an almost perfect score but I was quite weak and felt drowsy- thanks to the sedating effect of Phenytoin. I was pretty irritable since I gained full consciousness. Imagine yourself, waking up with nasal canul plastered on your face, IV lines on your hand and feet, blood pressure cuff suffocating your hand, and pulse oxymetry attached to your big toe. Don’t blame a 1 year old me to never give up struggling so hard to pull all of them.

That petite lady in black hugged me tight to put me into comfort and checked the important basic things: my pulse, my CRT and my SpO2 in 1 minute without the nasal canul. She hugged me tight. It felt warm. I realized she examined my whole body in between. She kissed me again and again.

She had a peek on my medical record which was placed on the main table just next to my bed and jot some notes in her book.

Diagnosis: Suspect of Dengue Encephalitis, Meningitis.

She kissed me.
"La haula wala quwwata illa billahil'aliyyul'azim.."

When my doctor came to check on me, they discussed things about me, my illness, plannings, management, etc and at the end, after reporting my current condition, she politely asked if my nasal canul, oxymetry, and hand cuff not to be set on me all the time. Approved.

She took them off by herself and even she left that one IV line "wire", I was very grateful. I could indulge myself with the toys, with my milk, and into my deep lullaby better.

That petite lady in black is my private doctor. My Ummi.

Jazakillahu khoir Ummi. For taking off all the troublesome wires.
For coming back to Malaysia:')

Sunday, 14th of April 2013

I was transferred to normal ward i.e biidznillah, I was fully stabilized. At night, the family from Kedah paid me a visit and Ummi was informed that I used to get a seizure when I was 4 months old. Ummi was actually honestly felt hurt the fact that she wasn't being told anything about it all this while but on the other hand, in knowing that, her mother instinct said that what I was having was not ME or Encephalitis. A little part of her heart breathed in relief.

I was getting better and better howbeit my diarrhea and the side effects of Acyclovir cost me tolls- I had this very severe rashes "back" there. Allah knows how hard it was really like especially that I poo for more than 10 times a day..

Well.. I had more than 6 injections today.. Ummi never cried when her patients were done so (even when she was the one injecting them) but she did so in having me; her own son getting an IV Line. It cut her heart deep. She sobbed while caressing all the injection wounds on my hands and feet.. She made a bandage out of her shawl to secure my IV Line and still, I managed to open them and took out my IV Line..

Ummi.. Fateh minta maaf sebab tak duduk diam marah2, nangis2 setiap kali Ummi bersihkan poopoo Fateh.. Sebab sangat sakit. Pedih sangat2:'(
Fateh minta maaf sebab selalu cabut IV Line.. Fateh tak selesa sangat..

Monday, 15th of April 2013

I had a Lumbar Puncture with a double dose of sedating drugs the fact that I could go against the 1st dose. Post- LP period seemed to be the hardest period not only to me, but also Ummi. I was extremely not comfortable with the non- rebreathing oxygen mask I have to put on with, the oxymetry attached to my left baby toe, IV line on my right hand for dripping purpose and IV line on my right feet. Wires all over my body and I was really, really, really hungry. I couldn't lay down properly of which that was what I supposedly do. I couldn't consume anything yet as a precaution from aspiration.

I struggle a lot, extremely a lot in the hand of my small Ummi.. Ummi's eyes were hot through the day. Hot of being the lake that hold a huge amount of tears. I could see Ummi was quite moody through that tough hours and pity her that it made our family who visit us that day a somewhat upset on her.

Quite a moment later, Mama Hanim came and did a great favor. Physically and mentally. She's "bigger" than Ummi but still felt a lot challenged by me. They tested my swallowing ability with sips of drink. Alhamdulillah, I did great. When the specialist and the other doctors came to check on me, Ummi reported my details in brief and with that, I need no dripping. The IV Line stayed but anyway, one wire down.

I had my milk and sleep. Having me calm down and fully rested, Ummi checked on me. My SpO2, 99- 100%. Pulse, 127 times per minute. I need no oxygen support. Need not to be attached to oxymetry. Two wires down.

Ummi used her stethoscope to check over my lungs. Unlike the previous days, now she heard ronchi. And after confirmed with a doctor, I was nebulized with Salbutamol. I hate that. So did Ummi. I knew it was very hard for Ummi to handle the super- struggling me.. Ummi told me that I have to go back home fast. Hospital is a place for treatment, but also a place with a high tendency to spread infectious disease.Yes Ummi, Fateh memang nak sangat balik rumah cepat..

At night, a doctor brought my LP result. Ummi went through my medical report. CSF clear. Dengue serology test, negative. Liver enzymes, normal. Etc etc etc. Ummi sobbed in tears. But unlike the tears she had in the other nights previously, this time, there was a smile in between. I bet she couldn't wait to had things confirmed from the specialist tomorrow.

To my side, besides all the other stories Ummi told me when we were going to sleep, one of the thing that favor me the most was when Ummi told me that insya Allah, I will have my medications per oral after this i.e no more injections.

Tuesday, 16th of April 2013

The specialist visited me in the morning and had my Phenytoin and Acyclovir stopped. Ceftriaxone IV was changed to Cefotaxim suspension. Like Ummi said, no more injections. Ummi took off all of my IV lines, cleaned me up, made me spent my morning warming up on my bed with short movies and playing with my toys. The sedating effect of the last dose of Phenytoin I had last night slowly bit me farewell.

On the evening, Ummi brought me to the playground, letting me playing, running, and climbing around. Perhaps she enjoyed chasing me all around, perhaps she was really happy, Ummi finally shower me her laughter. It was the first time since the very first day Ummi reached Malaysia that I heard her laughing.. I miss her laughter. It was one of the most beautiful rhythm that accompanied me during my 9 months in her uterus till I was born a year go, till now, and biidznillah, it will always be..

Demi waktu dhuha

 Dan malam apabila ia sunyi-sepi 

Tuhanmu tidak meninggalkanmu, dan Ia tidak benci

 Dan sesungguhnya kesudahan keaadaanmu adalah lebih baik bagimu daripada permulaannya.

 Dan sesungguhnya Tuhanmu akan memberikanmu (kejayaan dan kebahagiaan di dunia dan di akhirat) sehingga engkau redha - berpuas hati.

 Bukankah dia mendapati engkau yatim piatu, lalu la memberikan perlindungan?

 Dan didapatiNya engkau mencari-cari (jalan yang benar), lalu Ia memberikan hidayah petunjuk (dengan wahyu - Al-Quran)? 

 Dan didapatiNya engkau miskin, lalu Ia memberikan kekayaan?

 Oleh itu, adapun anak yatim maka janganlah engkau berlaku kasar terhadapnya

 Adapun orang yang meminta (bantuan pimpinan) maka janganlah engkau tengking herdik

Adapun nikmat Tuhanmu, maka hendaklah engkau sebut sebutkan (dan zahirkan) sebagai bersyukur kepadaNya.

I had a lovely dream- sailing that night. It was the most beautiful night we had amongst the other nights spent during my admission. Cuddling Ummi tight, I realize; I lost about 2 kilos due to this illness, but in return, Allah brought millions kilos of Ummi's love to me:')

Perhaps this is not that something so great to other babies who can cuddle their Ummi everyday.. But to me, who can meet my Ummi only once in a blue moon- it's an indeed a great blessing. A very beautiful gift from Allah.

Allah.. Fateh bersyukur, happyyyy sangat.
Mesti Ummi pun sangat bersyukur dan sangat happy..
Terima kasih Allah sebab sayang Fateh dan Ummi.. Dan Abi juga. Dan semua juga:')

Wednesday, 17th of April 2013

Biidznillah, I was discharged. Final diagnosis is Complex Febrile Seizure. Still, it requires quite an attention, nonetheless an indeed a great relief it is Not ME. Not Encephalitis.

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah..

I pray for Allah to grant everyone who give super precious help, support and dua for me, Ummi, and Abi.. Just so you know, recalling all the efforts in aiding Ummi this and that and reading all the prayers and wishes all of you poured us with had been giving a mountain of strength to us:')

Doakan semoga Fateh dilimpahi hikmah dan keberkatan di dunia dan akhirat dari apa yang berlaku..

Much Love, Fillah. 
Al Fateh.

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