Dec 19, 2014

Being a mother. Being exaggerate

It was almost 12midnight and my mom was busy walking here and there checking up her phone, repetitively asking about my not- yet come- back- home brother and non stop venting her frustrations. That pressured me a lot. Especially to have as such exaggerating acts laid on me while i was feeling extremely exhausted after many sleepless nights et causa breastfeeding my few days old little baby caliph Muhammad per hourly as he has neonatal jaundice and at the same time keeping my movements "ayu lagi penuh sopan" taking care of my episiotomy suture for a proper perineal recovery (iyyolah... amiin), suffocated with the loooong bengkung jawa wrapping me extremely tight from the tips of my ribs down to my thigh, and the so called tiredness and tense a woman in her confinement period  would have. For a moment, i felt like suggesting her to ignore about my brother and just go to bed and yeah, there was a devil's whisper in my mind: "stop being exaggerating, Mak.."


I'm that person who masked up with a professional, serious, and calm look to convey the death of my AML patient i failed to resuscitate. I drenched in tears in less than 10 minutes for that, then keeping my chin up back as my shift continues. Lots more patients to handle.. On the other hand, i'm too that person who came up with a genuine pathetic face, golf ball eyes and swelling, thick, red nose due to extreme crying upon having Fateh (who was 1 year plus that time) being diagnosed, initially, with meningitis. I booked a ticket to fly back to Malaysia as soon as i got the news, had my clinical rotation paused right away, took 2 weeks break, leaving all my duties and tasks behind. That AML kid is someone else kid, and Fateh is my very own baby.

I'm that person who advised people to keep calm when having certain minor problems throughout their pregnancy, giving positives statements so as to make them feel secured and safe. I even used to feel quite funny when mommies got scared far beyond what they should have actually do. On the other hand, i'm too that person who had my mind and soul crowded with continuous traffics of worries and fear when having antepartum hemorrhage on the early days of my 3rd trimester. Bugging my colleagues especially Dr Alia, reporting and asking things over and over.. No, i did not worry about myself, it was the foetus (whose currently called as Muhammad) growing inside that i was indeed concerned about. My very own baby.

I'm that person who stood firmly, trying my best to manage the bleeding of this one patient having trauma of the head and face in ER. It had to be done fast yet maintaining grace so no lousy- job was made (let's be honest and frank.. i actually quite slow- mo in stitching.. hoo). On the other hand, i'm too that person who turned chaos, shocked, and blur when Fateh (8 months old that time), cut his tongue with his Abi's razor. Seeing the active bleeding from the tongue of my baby was a lot more horror than watching the movie Saw. It took me quite a while to do the 1st aid. How could i breath in serenity whilst it was my very own baby bleeding~

I'm that person who comfort many, including my very own sisters when their babies having prolonged jaundice, motivating them with so called wise words and pouring such beautiful wishes and prayers. Even a day before i gave birth to Muhammad, Yatie whatsapped me and told me about her niece whose having prolonged jaundice and i properly explained and yes, coaxed her up.  On the other hand, i'm too that person who until now, is not yet free from being upset and worry about Muhammad having prolonged jaundice. Seeing his blood withdrawn many times and heard him crying make my heart cracked in pain. I felt hurt. How can i have my self coaxed and motivated as easy? Bounded to watch him, in his slumbering, cherubic beauty, regarding every detail of the curve of his face and the movements he makes- and much of what i recorded from these marathon observation sessions is- muka anak ummi kuning lagi.. It's my very own baby who is now sick.

So Muhammad is all cool and steady having his blood sucked out-. Blood sampling done terus tido nyenyak, tapi ummi yang lebih2 sedih sebak meratapi nasib..

I used to feel abnormal. Felt so guilty and a lot like a bipolar somebody until i read dr Harlina's blog, sharing how much she went out blank when her baby girl got knocked off, having a red swelling bump on her forehead. Busy getting shocked and pity the baby, asking out what to do- whilst she's a doctor herself, albeit that case was a mere minor haematome.

Being exaggerate is normal for mothers and for mothers to be such an ignorance towards the matter of her kid- no matter how old the kid is, would be as much disrupting the natural order of the human being (my hypothesis).

Tell me how much someone is worth for her womb to be the very 1st place for one's heart to grow? For the beautiful, long process from nutfah to a complete ready- to- breath outside insan? To bear the wahnan 'ala wahnin of pregnancy? To keep bold and strong for the birth of the new caliph? Being geared up with extra softer heart yet entitled for an extra tougher job, prone for an overwhelming and exaggerating roller coaster of emotions yet maintain her sanity?

So Rasulullah s.a.w answered.

"Your mother.
Your mother.
Your mother.
And then your father."

Talk about Uwais al Qarni whose named mentioned among the members of Arasy by him devoting sincerely to his mother..

Motherhood is different with one kid. And it is when biidznillah, i now have two. I've been through different things with both and i believe Mak had been through much much much more with 13 children. And so does your mother..

In case there are things you find that your mother had been acting exaggeratedly; her nags and madness seeing how you are doing so no- discipline orang dalam pantang (huff.. huff..), her heart pouring rigmarole about you not spending valuable times with her and choose your programme and schedule on top (baby, darling.. ehem.ehem), complaining about your friend or your life-time partner, the neverending nags about you not getting married yet, that abundance of comments about your whatever thoughts, talks, and acts, etc etc etc etc etc; before you ever  started to feel bugged, annoyed, or even dare to say such hard words towards her or throw such sour- plum heart- stabbing look,

remember, it's through her that Allah allows you to ever exist in this world.

No odd when a mother being exaggerate now as a mother had been so since ever.
Exaggerate about how well we're doing in their womb. "Eh. Baby dalam peyut ni gerak tak?" "Baby sihat tak?" "Baby ok tak?" And to add, those food we indirectly made them exaggeratedly craving for..
Exaggerate with the will and strength throughout the pregnancy and the very long extended hours of giving birth to us. Exaggerate as trust me, the power and the ability to bear astoundingly great pain a woman have to deliver a baby despite being weak and tired are a great miracle.. i have goosebumps everytime i recall the moment i had myself....,,
Exaggerate in raising us up despite all the roles and matters they carry on their shoulder..

When was the last time you look at your mother with a very dear feeling?
When was the last time you cheer her up by doing things that signify how important she is in your life?
When was the last time you consider that what she feels and thinks matter a lot?
When was the last time you hug and kiss her?

2011. that's my mother. 2014. Now i'm a mother. A mother of 2..

When was the last time i did so?


1. Baby and Darling are my sisters.
2. Tolong doakan Muhammad ye.. He's thriving well so far, Alhamdulillah. Gained 1kg plus within 22days, and very active.. Muka bulat dagu berlapik.. But really, i'm very concerned with his prolonged jaundice.. It's pretty normal especially that he's a (borderline) premature baby, still- doakan semoga Muhammad sihat walafiat k. Jazakumullahu kheir..

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