Apr 28, 2013

Diary of Al Fateh

"Sesungguhnya aku redha dengan ujian Allah terhadapku. Aku redha ulat- ulat ini memakan dagingku kerana Allah yang membenarkannya. Allah yang memberiku penyakit ini. Sekiranya aku tidak redha, bagaimana akanku peroleh redha Allah?"

(Nabi Ayub a.s when asked about his action of putting back the dropping larvae which had been nesting, eating out the broken skin of his wound during the period of his great illness.) 


Monday, 8th of April 2013

I experienced runny nose and a bit of cough, medically termed as Rhinopharyngitis. Perhaps it was due to my immune- compromised state et causa post- MMR immunization on the very last week that I easily got infected with that through Mak Dek and Kak Tuya or either one of those, or because of both..

Oh. It’s Ummi’s birthday today. Minus 25..
Tabarakallah Ummi:')

Ummi made a special home- made cheesy rainbow cake for my very 1st birthday. I'm making her one too one day, biidznillah..

Wednesday, 10th of April 2013

I started getting quite feverish that night.
Syafi Al Fateh ya Allah..

Thursday, 11th of April 2013: 

I was all feverish, felt so unwell that I cried a lot. That evening, around 4pm plus, Mak Dek Whatsapp Ummi telling about bringing me to see a doctor. I bet Ummi would be worrying about me over there..

Went back home, around 6.30pm, I got a seizure. Yes. Seizure. About 1 minute or two. Uwan, Pak Long, Mak Dek and everyone was so shocked and scared. That night, I was again brought to the clinic.

Friday, 12th of April 2013:

My body felt very hot. Feverish, still, despite that antipyretic suppository drug *urgh*. That morning Uwan and Pak Lang brought me to the hospital and I was admitted.

Several attacks occurred during the admission.

I was right away transferred to PHDW, somewhat like ICU, but a for a little less critical paediatric case. I was half awake that time. I couldn’t sit down. I couldn’t even lift up my head. Uwan and doctors kept calling my name. All I could do was staring them back. They tickled my foot, and I could only make a firm extension of my foot as my defense mechanism. I whined of being ill..

Sakit penghapus dosa.. Tapi Ya Allah.. Fateh tecik lagi..
Uhm.. Ni mesti ujian Allah untuk kuatkan Fateh. Yaqeen!

In the midst of that, Abi was told about my condition. Then Abi told Ummi. Oh yes. Abi was in Jordan. Ummi was in Indonesia. Far.

How I wish this world is as small as my baby toe..
Once told, Ummi’s heart skipped beating for a second. Shivered. There were cocktails of sentiments agitating in Ummi’s heart. Terribly upset. Mad. Disappointed. Regret. She held her tears. I know Ummi well, very well. She’s a cry baby. A real cry baby. But there, Ummi held it with all the power she could made herself up. After talking to Uwan, she talked to the doctor. She asked for GCS, my type of seizures, my laboratory results.

I was measured 39.4 degree celcius. My GCS scored 8.
My FBC had it Lymphocytosis and a slight decrease in Haematocrit percentage.

Hyperpyrexia. Seizures. Altered consciousness.
Viral Meningitis?

At 10pm plus. Another attack. My GCS dropped.

The wall securing Ummi’s fortitude collapsed. Ummi bursted into tears. Great flood of tears. She recalled all the ME and Encephalitis patients she handled during her clinical rotation in the department of Paediatric before.

Aku adalah apa yang disangkakan hambaKu terhadapKu.

My baby Fateh will be alright. My superbaby Fateh will be alright.
I know You'll take care of him. Take good care of him.

Ummi booked a flight ticket to Malaysia that night. Her colleagues helped her packing her things up, informed our specialist for an emergency leave and drove her back to Jogjakarta. That 1 hour journey from Klaten to Jogja was like walking on the sharp glasses to Ummi.

Ummi recalled things back. Back. Back. All the things she had, she's facing after she made her Hijrah. And she recalled back. Back. Back. When she was drowning in the mud of sins and through all the jahiliyyah still sticking so strong in her till now. She blamed herself for that. She felt as much as if the punishments for all the sins she did was poured on me.

Ummi texted Aunty Ain and Kak Shida. She needed her calming angels to sooth her, to accompany her. To indirectly make her stop having all the negative, pressuring thoughts.

Ummi soaked herself in their tight, warm hugs. She shed some tears on their shoulders, but this time, no, she didn’t cry like a hungry baby with them. But she did so to Allah. 

That was the first time, a chatter- box Ummi who loves to tell mountain of stories to Allah lost her words in front of The Best to Listen. She felt upset, hurt. One after another things over and over again happened, are happening to her and she tried to place that sense of redha at her best, but now she felt as much as if her heart was exploding.

"Kenapa Fateh ya Allah..?"

Most of what she asked for is for Allah to give me the best of strength to go through all this. For Allah to give us the best of strength to go through all this.

Ummi cried. Cried. Cried.

Allah.. Please know, it's not that Ummi is giving up on You. She was deeply upset of herself. She felt ignored at one point and that makes her scared.. I know You never ignore Ummi O Allah. I know You never ignore us. I can't coax Ummi, nonetheless I know, Allah have His best of way to sooth her clouded heart. He always know how to do so.

Remember when no one able to comfort the pathetic heart of the mother of Musa a.s when she was to sail the few days old baby Musa a.s away? When she was afraid of things that may harm him? He coaxed her. He did it. He, The Most Knowing, Most Loving and Most Merciful.

Dan Kami ilhamkan kepada ibu Musa: "Susukanlah dia dalam pada itu, jika engkau takutkan sesuatu bahaya mengenainya (dari angkara Firaun), maka (letakkanlah dia di dalam peti dan) lepaskanlah dia ke laut dan janganlah engkau merasa bimbang dan jangan pula berdukacita sesungguhnya Kami akan mengembalikannya kepadamu, dan Kami akan melantiknya menjadi salah seorang dari Rasul-rasul Kami".
(Al Qasas, 28: 7)

Saturday, 13th of April 2013

It was 5pm plus. She dressed in black. All black, except her light metallic pink glasses. I heard her whispered Alhamdulillah when she landed me her 1st kiss. She took out a set of colorful blocks for me to play with, and there, I could see her eyes watered when I threw and kicked them off. Annoying me, eh?
My Paediatric GCS already hit an almost perfect score but I was quite weak and felt drowsy- thanks to the sedating effect of Phenytoin. I was pretty irritable since I gained full consciousness. Imagine yourself, waking up with nasal canul plastered on your face, IV lines on your hand and feet, blood pressure cuff suffocating your hand, and pulse oxymetry attached to your big toe. Don’t blame a 1 year old me to never give up struggling so hard to pull all of them.

That petite lady in black hugged me tight to put me into comfort and checked the important basic things: my pulse, my CRT and my SpO2 in 1 minute without the nasal canul. She hugged me tight. It felt warm. I realized she examined my whole body in between. She kissed me again and again.

She had a peek on my medical record which was placed on the main table just next to my bed and jot some notes in her book.

Diagnosis: Suspect of Dengue Encephalitis, Meningitis.

She kissed me.
"La haula wala quwwata illa billahil'aliyyul'azim.."

When my doctor came to check on me, they discussed things about me, my illness, plannings, management, etc and at the end, after reporting my current condition, she politely asked if my nasal canul, oxymetry, and hand cuff not to be set on me all the time. Approved.

She took them off by herself and even she left that one IV line "wire", I was very grateful. I could indulge myself with the toys, with my milk, and into my deep lullaby better.

That petite lady in black is my private doctor. My Ummi.

Jazakillahu khoir Ummi. For taking off all the troublesome wires.
For coming back to Malaysia:')

Sunday, 14th of April 2013

I was transferred to normal ward i.e biidznillah, I was fully stabilized. At night, the family from Kedah paid me a visit and Ummi was informed that I used to get a seizure when I was 4 months old. Ummi was actually honestly felt hurt the fact that she wasn't being told anything about it all this while but on the other hand, in knowing that, her mother instinct said that what I was having was not ME or Encephalitis. A little part of her heart breathed in relief.

I was getting better and better howbeit my diarrhea and the side effects of Acyclovir cost me tolls- I had this very severe rashes "back" there. Allah knows how hard it was really like especially that I poo for more than 10 times a day..

Well.. I had more than 6 injections today.. Ummi never cried when her patients were done so (even when she was the one injecting them) but she did so in having me; her own son getting an IV Line. It cut her heart deep. She sobbed while caressing all the injection wounds on my hands and feet.. She made a bandage out of her shawl to secure my IV Line and still, I managed to open them and took out my IV Line..

Ummi.. Fateh minta maaf sebab tak duduk diam marah2, nangis2 setiap kali Ummi bersihkan poopoo Fateh.. Sebab sangat sakit. Pedih sangat2:'(
Fateh minta maaf sebab selalu cabut IV Line.. Fateh tak selesa sangat..

Monday, 15th of April 2013

I had a Lumbar Puncture with a double dose of sedating drugs the fact that I could go against the 1st dose. Post- LP period seemed to be the hardest period not only to me, but also Ummi. I was extremely not comfortable with the non- rebreathing oxygen mask I have to put on with, the oxymetry attached to my left baby toe, IV line on my right hand for dripping purpose and IV line on my right feet. Wires all over my body and I was really, really, really hungry. I couldn't lay down properly of which that was what I supposedly do. I couldn't consume anything yet as a precaution from aspiration.

I struggle a lot, extremely a lot in the hand of my small Ummi.. Ummi's eyes were hot through the day. Hot of being the lake that hold a huge amount of tears. I could see Ummi was quite moody through that tough hours and pity her that it made our family who visit us that day a somewhat upset on her.

Quite a moment later, Mama Hanim came and did a great favor. Physically and mentally. She's "bigger" than Ummi but still felt a lot challenged by me. They tested my swallowing ability with sips of drink. Alhamdulillah, I did great. When the specialist and the other doctors came to check on me, Ummi reported my details in brief and with that, I need no dripping. The IV Line stayed but anyway, one wire down.

I had my milk and sleep. Having me calm down and fully rested, Ummi checked on me. My SpO2, 99- 100%. Pulse, 127 times per minute. I need no oxygen support. Need not to be attached to oxymetry. Two wires down.

Ummi used her stethoscope to check over my lungs. Unlike the previous days, now she heard ronchi. And after confirmed with a doctor, I was nebulized with Salbutamol. I hate that. So did Ummi. I knew it was very hard for Ummi to handle the super- struggling me.. Ummi told me that I have to go back home fast. Hospital is a place for treatment, but also a place with a high tendency to spread infectious disease.Yes Ummi, Fateh memang nak sangat balik rumah cepat..

At night, a doctor brought my LP result. Ummi went through my medical report. CSF clear. Dengue serology test, negative. Liver enzymes, normal. Etc etc etc. Ummi sobbed in tears. But unlike the tears she had in the other nights previously, this time, there was a smile in between. I bet she couldn't wait to had things confirmed from the specialist tomorrow.

To my side, besides all the other stories Ummi told me when we were going to sleep, one of the thing that favor me the most was when Ummi told me that insya Allah, I will have my medications per oral after this i.e no more injections.

Tuesday, 16th of April 2013

The specialist visited me in the morning and had my Phenytoin and Acyclovir stopped. Ceftriaxone IV was changed to Cefotaxim suspension. Like Ummi said, no more injections. Ummi took off all of my IV lines, cleaned me up, made me spent my morning warming up on my bed with short movies and playing with my toys. The sedating effect of the last dose of Phenytoin I had last night slowly bit me farewell.

On the evening, Ummi brought me to the playground, letting me playing, running, and climbing around. Perhaps she enjoyed chasing me all around, perhaps she was really happy, Ummi finally shower me her laughter. It was the first time since the very first day Ummi reached Malaysia that I heard her laughing.. I miss her laughter. It was one of the most beautiful rhythm that accompanied me during my 9 months in her uterus till I was born a year go, till now, and biidznillah, it will always be..

Demi waktu dhuha

 Dan malam apabila ia sunyi-sepi 

Tuhanmu tidak meninggalkanmu, dan Ia tidak benci

 Dan sesungguhnya kesudahan keaadaanmu adalah lebih baik bagimu daripada permulaannya.

 Dan sesungguhnya Tuhanmu akan memberikanmu (kejayaan dan kebahagiaan di dunia dan di akhirat) sehingga engkau redha - berpuas hati.

 Bukankah dia mendapati engkau yatim piatu, lalu la memberikan perlindungan?

 Dan didapatiNya engkau mencari-cari (jalan yang benar), lalu Ia memberikan hidayah petunjuk (dengan wahyu - Al-Quran)? 

 Dan didapatiNya engkau miskin, lalu Ia memberikan kekayaan?

 Oleh itu, adapun anak yatim maka janganlah engkau berlaku kasar terhadapnya

 Adapun orang yang meminta (bantuan pimpinan) maka janganlah engkau tengking herdik

Adapun nikmat Tuhanmu, maka hendaklah engkau sebut sebutkan (dan zahirkan) sebagai bersyukur kepadaNya.

I had a lovely dream- sailing that night. It was the most beautiful night we had amongst the other nights spent during my admission. Cuddling Ummi tight, I realize; I lost about 2 kilos due to this illness, but in return, Allah brought millions kilos of Ummi's love to me:')

Perhaps this is not that something so great to other babies who can cuddle their Ummi everyday.. But to me, who can meet my Ummi only once in a blue moon- it's an indeed a great blessing. A very beautiful gift from Allah.

Allah.. Fateh bersyukur, happyyyy sangat.
Mesti Ummi pun sangat bersyukur dan sangat happy..
Terima kasih Allah sebab sayang Fateh dan Ummi.. Dan Abi juga. Dan semua juga:')

Wednesday, 17th of April 2013

Biidznillah, I was discharged. Final diagnosis is Complex Febrile Seizure. Still, it requires quite an attention, nonetheless an indeed a great relief it is Not ME. Not Encephalitis.

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah..

I pray for Allah to grant everyone who give super precious help, support and dua for me, Ummi, and Abi.. Just so you know, recalling all the efforts in aiding Ummi this and that and reading all the prayers and wishes all of you poured us with had been giving a mountain of strength to us:')

Doakan semoga Fateh dilimpahi hikmah dan keberkatan di dunia dan akhirat dari apa yang berlaku..

Much Love, Fillah. 
Al Fateh.


Anonymous said...

Allah bagi kekuatan buat Fateh,Ummu Fateh,Abu Fateh dan semua :)

Semua ujian,cabaran,dugaan dari Allah adalah untuk menguji sejauh mana kekuatan,kebergantungan dan keyakinan kepadaNYA.

Firman Allah:
"Adakah kamu mengira kamu sudah beriman sedangkan kamu belum lagi diuji?"

Semoga kita semua terus berusaha dan sentiasa bersedia untuk menghadapi segala macam ujian yang mendatang,Ameen..

Anonymous said...

Allah bg ujian utk ummi fateh, wan yg jage fateh, paklong, n to Utz Idris family...

lepas 1 satu bende yg jadik, doa byk2 pd famly kite...

نور توفيقة ادريس said...

Amiin.. Insya Allah.
Allah tak kan sia- siakan kita.

نور توفيقة ادريس said...

Tu lah. Allah nak tolong hapus dosa dan kuatkan iman..
Biidznillah, we support each other k.

supergirl said...

la hawla wa la quwwata illa billah :')

cikgu tulips said...

ummi and abg fateh kuat!
Go! ummi...!
Go! abg Fateh...!

" sesiapa yg Allah mengkehendakikan kebaikan ,maka Allah akan mengujinya.."

Anonymous said...

Allahu allah..
Bergenang air mata akk.. sangat2..
U r a strong women and ummi.. my dear..really!!! Tak mampu tahan sebak..semoga ummi fateh dan fateh kuat ye syggg....

Ummu amni (kakmunie)

Mama Haiqal said...

Fateh sayang..
Aunty baca kisah fateh dr fateh dlm perut umi, fateh lahir, sampai sekarang..
Singa yg dibesarkan di hutan bbeza dgn singa yg dibesarkan di zoo.
Satu hari nnt fateh akan fhm maksud aunty:))
Smg fateh membesar menjafi ASADULLAH yg terbaik utk Ummah. Aaaminnn..

Buat Ummu Fateh,
Akak silent reader saje slm ni. Tp kali ni akak perlu beritahu awak, AWAK SGT KUAT. Mungkin awak tak sedar..
Menitis air mata akak baca kisah2 awak.. Sesuai sgt surah dhuha tu dgn diri awak....
Banyakkan sabar dik, janji Allah itu pasti!!

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