Jan 26, 2013


11.25 am, I checked on my 112's patient's fetal heart rate (FHR). It took me almost 10 minutes for such compared to the very short minute to others. Transverse position of the fetus in her uterus supposedly won't give much difficulty for us to reach her heart beat.  I asked Bella to help. Hardly found. We tried again and again. 151 times per minute. Irregular.

"Kapan terakhir rasa bayinya gerak, Bu?
"Barusan tadi."
"Nanti saya periksa lagi. Tolong di kasi tahu kalau gerakan bayinya kurang dari 10x dalam satu hari ini, ya."

I told the nurses about it. My mistake. I should have told my resident instead.
Itu udah di Acc BLPL oleh dokter staff lho, Fiqa.
Uhmm.. Ntar Jam 12san Fiqa ulang lagi periksa DJJ nya.

Resident: Doctor whose pursuing Specialist course Acc: Approved  BLPL: Allowed to go home Dokter Staff: Specialist DJJ: Fetal heart rate

12.10pm, when I went to check the mother again, she'd went back home.

8pm, she came to ER, saying that she felt like laboring. FHR undetected. No fetal movement, since 6pm as the mother said.

10pm, Cesarian Section was performed. Baby's already dead. Macerated. IUFD. Innalillahiwa inna ilaihi rojiun..

IUFD: Intra Uterine Fetal Death

I should have reported this to my resident far earlier.
I should have hold the patient from going back home.

I should have.

I checked on my email. Been waiting for JPA's latest response regarding my extend of study. None.

I recall everything back. Back. Back. Back.
Everything had been smooth for me.

5As in UPSR. 8As in PMR. 10As in SPM. Yet here I am now, having my study extended. Now stop there. Have I made mistake after my SPM? In being firm about pursuing Medicine which I've long aiming for instead of English Literature which I'm so much in love with? In making decision without performing Istikharah? Do some benefits from my public speaking and debating experiences. I should have been studying in somewhere with lovely petals of snow dropping on my shoulder, writing and performing things I love with a free soul instead of running here and there, working even during the holidaysss carrying my more often than not- tight soul. Pushing about with multiple responsible on my shoulder. Multiple; Wife, Ummi, da'ie, doctor, etc. And especially for this moment, I can't even guarantee about what happen to me next.

I should have performed Istikharah that time when I was deciding about what to pursue.
I should have get married later.

I should have.


Hanim's messages put my world into gloominess. I know she didn't mean it but the way how she expected me to go back to Jogja in between my schedule did make me felt upset. The last message from her saying that she was assuming me to be able to go back to Jogja tomorrow received when I was facing the death of my patient's baby. My heart sank deep. Very deep. I rested in mourn on my bed. Sobbed in tears. I texted Abg but sparing the most of what I actually wanted to say to myself. There would be too much to tell about. My longings, my DnT, my work, my study.

The hospital I'm having my rotation currently is what famously known amongst us somewhat like a "Grand Baby Factory" i.e high numbers of O&G patient. Starts working by 7am and sometimes by 6am when we have discussion with our resident, then go back at 2pm and sometimes at 4pm, then continue for the night shift by 2pm till 7am the next day of which we had it 3 times in a week (selang satu hari); I couldn't spare mount of time, especially to easily traveling back and forth Klaten to Jogja.

I've tried my best to go back for Usrah that day despite the fact that that was the only day I seem to get a pause from those hectic days of working. That requires me to travel 2 hours back to forth. That requires me to sacrifice my rest- on- my- bed- during my free- of- shift day. Nonetheless Allah knows how flowery blooming my heart is to be with my adik beradik Usrah. That beautiful ukhwah. That refreshing spark of rejuvenated Iman. It's all worth it. Yes. I haven't been doing to the fullest yet..,, And well, really. The only time for a caliph and abid of Allah to really rest is that day, when we are all gather in Jannah, Amiin. Amiin. Amiin.

Whenever I look at Abg's sms, my heart soaked in tears. There are times, I'm losing my words to talk about with him. Thinking about all the things I've done and trying my best in doing without his redha would be useless- my soul turns into a broken jelly. Perhaps he thinks I don't, but Allah knows, I desperately miss him. Little that he knows I've been trying hard eversince to put aside those lovey- dovey oh- I'm- so- in- need- for- my hubby part of me away for the sake of what I've been through and been having now.

Whenever I think of Fateh, it seems like the whole world of mine is raining heavily. Allah knows how it feels like when a mother is away from his growing baby caliph. Allah knows best. Allah knows deep. Sirro wa akhfa.. Akhfa.

Whenever I think about my DnT and how much it needs from "someone like me", I felt a lot like comparing myself to other duat. Other far better, tougher duat.

You know there are times, you just wish for an extra everything to have things go with the least of difficulties.

I should have been doing something else right now in getting such.

I should have.


Rasulullah s.a.w bersabda yang maksudnya: 

“Orang mukmin yang kuat lebih baik di sisi Allah dan lebih dikasihi daripada orang mukmin yang lemah, sedangkan setiap seorang itu mempunyai kebaikannya (imannya);

oleh itu hendaklah engkau bersungguh-sungguh berusaha memperoleh apa yang memberi manfaat kepadamu, serta hendaklah meminta pertolongan kepada Allah dan janganlah engkau bersikap segan dan malas;

dan sekiranya engkau ditimpa sesuatu maka janganlah engkau berkata: “Kalaulah aku lakukan itu ini, tentulah akan terjadi begitu begini, tetapi katalah: “Allah telah takdirkan, dan apa yang dikehendaki oleh kebijaksanaan-Nya Ia lakukan, kerana perkataan ‘kalau’ itu membuka jalan kepada hasutan syaitan.”
(HR. Muslim)

No. No such thing of "I should have" this and that. No. It's "I am going to" keep being strong and yaqeen.
My start up point is not that moment after my SPM. It was when I got my first blow of ruh and  bear witness to devote my self to Allah. I had my moments of slipping away and there, biidznilah, I was placed again at my check point in deciding to change, to realize back and perform my self as a real caliph and abid of Allah, and to get married. I've learned and trying my best to decide things truly Lillahita'ala. For Allah. For this Deen. For myself as the slave of Allah. By that point, whatever I've decided is not merely what I think is best for me, but it's what had been weighted to be the best for me to me and what is the best for me to Allah. For Allah.

Hence what come after will come together with His assistance. With His promises. Soon or later.

لَا يُكَلِّفُ ٱللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا

Allah tidak membebani manusia di luar kesanggupannya.
(Al Baqarah 2: 286)

One hardly able to keep on being all- fine everytime. Yet many time, no human able to make one's heart regrow, but Allah.

O thou folded in garments!
Stand (to prayer) by night, but not all night.
Half of it,- or a little less.
Soon shall We send down to thee a weighty Message.
Truly the rising by night is most potent for governing (the soul), and most suitable for (framing) the Word (of Prayer and Praise).
True, there is for thee by day prolonged occupation with ordinary duties.
But keep in remembrance the name of thy Lord and devote thyself to Him whole-heartedly.
(He is) Lord of the East and the West: there is no god but He: take Him therefore for (thy) Disposer of Affairs.
(Al Muzzammil 73: 1- 9)

Tough things for tough ones. Let's be tough!
Rebuilding power plant mode on. Tougher power plant.

Mari menguatkan jiwa. Menguatkan diri.
Mari menjadi Ummat yang kuat. Khalifah dan Abid Allah yang kuat.


Anonymous said...

Subhanallah..maha suci Allah yang telah mengaturkan sesuatu yang terbaik untuk kita padahal kita tidak sedari..

didik hati,didik diri untuk menghadapi setiap ujian dariNYA dengan penuh keyakinan dan harapan bahawa ada hikmah disebaliknya..

suatu hari nanti,sinar kebahagian pasti akan terpancar jelas di depan mata. Ameen..

janji2 Allah adalah pasti..

نور توفيقة ادريس said...

Janji2 Allah adalah pasti.


Go Go Go!

farhanajoni said...

I know you well, well enough to know the jelly-heart, and i see u become so much stronger than the person i knew few years back.
We surely have and made our plan, but Allah know best :) Go Piqah Go!

نور توفيقة ادريس said...


*bear hug*

Both of us were in the same group during the interview (that's almost 7 years ago, darling~). Both of us stayed in the same house during our a level, both selected to study in UGM, both of us got the 1st wave call for koas- where both of us supposedly finish our course together.

Well.. Memory.

Let's both go go go!

Noorieda said...

Assalamualaikum akak...

Post yang membina...
It's very...
Now I know, it's very challenging being adult.. Older and older..

Thanks akak... :)

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