Cinta: This and That

I spent my not- exactly- 3 weeks holiday mostly with Fateh before starting my Department of O&G. He's on his way to walking so we have to keep an eye on him all the time. No, we can't put him in baby walker. Baby walker is illegal for him- he would climb out of it.

On the day Fateh exactly turned 9 months, I kissed him good bye, headed to Jakarta for HAMKA. I held my tears at my best as much as how I did during the many hours before Fateh was born. I know I have to. You see, there are times you know crying is a big no- no..

I spent hours on the flight reading about Sultan Muhammad Al Fateh. Reminiscing those moments I spent in reading, attending, and involving in occasions spiced with those highly flaming spirit characteristics when I was pregnant for Fateh; the spread of da’wah, battle of the muslimeen, the victorious conquer, real heroes of ours, the power of syabab, etc..

That explains the high- spirit, energetic and extremely full of curiosity character of our honey- bee baby caliph Al Fateh, I believe.

Ummi, ni ke Ummat Muhammad yang kuntum khoiran ummati tu?

There you go; Fateh fills up my mind in every second that the clock ticks.

Reaching Jakarta, alone, my heart bloomed a little joyous smile. I’m not much into traveling actually. But getting married to Abg who loves traveling, and “getting married” to DnT who requires a lot of traveling, seem that these two buddies succeeded to drag me to become a traveler. Hurm.. Syabbasss betey. Syabbasss~

Nonetheless at the same time, my heart quenched a sigh. I supposedly have another 3 days to spend with my baby caliph.

Abg texted me; "Berkorbanlah diri, masa, harta, dan tenaga di jalan Allah".

The simple yet very meaningful message from Abg managed to tame my wild cracking heart a bit. A bit. Heh. Easy to say than to be done. There, I learn the definition of Ikhlas for real. And yes, I admit, I'm far to ever reach that level yet- The Mukhliseen. There, I understand the difference between Ikhlas and Redha for real.

Huge guilt clouded in me.
The same guilt been haunting me all this while.

*****

When Kak Nik mentioned about the book of Hazaddeen, my world turned gloomy. I looked around and felt quite inferior. I don't feel like I'm belong with all these akhwat- these super Muayyid. Has this book chosen as a dedication for us? For me? I personally didn't feel like deserving it. Pity me. Shame on me. I'm happy for the growth of real dai'e, nevertheless I envy them, really.

Throughout the slot, what was conveyed by the muwajih mixed up with what was filling me inside- my dear baby. Being in the midst of the akhwat- I somehow felt lonely. And that feeling made me felt sick. Bitter.

I digested all the topics in every slot I managed to join in the best of way I could, biidznillah.. Nonetheless, you know this term of “mempokok getahkan cerita lembu?” So tell me anything, I can “mengAl Fatehkan” them all. Any topic, you name it.

I've knocked down my dependency and longings towards Abg after a truly lengthy period at its toughest when I have Fateh growing in my uterus, been crawling to beat my dependency and longings towards my "guardian angels" whose leaving me soon, and now, I'm struggling with Fateh's. Plus abundance of matters about the extension of my study- I feel as much as a overloaded volcano awaits to erupt.

*****

On the last evening of HAMKA, the slots dedicated for the Tamhidi started. Being away from my real "anak", and having none of my "anak2 usrah" present- I felt like a total loser. I love knowing about the progress of my "nieces" from my other "cousins" but deep there, It hurts. It's exhausting to keep on smiling and being cheerful while you actually don't. Knowing that Ila's mutarabbi need her, I took her place in preparing for the snackings and drinks. It's a little thing, yet serving the hungry tummy (and sleepy eyes) were a pleasure to me. Now I understand the story where Hasan Al Banna kept the chairs arranged at the very tail of one event. Doing something with all your heart truly fully within and with no pressure internally or externally is a great bless.

On the night, I felt worn out. Because of the Explorace we had during the day is one thing- feeling lost was another. I’ve set my niat in attending this, but my heart and soul were still trembling. I asked Zati about niat and there I was helped to recall about niat which can be renewed time to time. I tried to build a proper and better intention to aim for.

Able not to set my own target and being firm with any, the usual thing I would do in moments like this- I let Him to decide what is best for me to get to me, what is best for me to get to Him. What I or even other people wish and want for me may not fit what I actually need.

You know me best O Allah. You know what I need.

I know You know. I believe You are.

*****

During the last day, I didn’t join the riadah and part of the slot as I helped to do the cooking and packing my stuff. The fact that I might only have only about 30 minutes for the slot, I first thought of staying in the villa and wait till our transportation arrived; but Allah decided me otherwise. I joined the slot, howbeit sitting at the back, not to close to others. There I found a book belong to other akhwat and had my fingers flipped through the pages and they stopped at one page that instantly had my eyes scanned through it at once.

“Hanzalah telah munafik! Hanzalah telah munafik!” 

Lantun Hanzalah pada dirinya. Kakinya mengerah cepat ke Masjid. Nabi pasti ada disana fikirnya. Riak ketakutan dan secebis penyesalan terlukis diwajahnya.

“Hanzalah telah munafik! Hanzalah telah munafik!” 

Diulangnya beberapa kali. Sedang dalam perjalanan, Hanzalah berselisih dengan Saidina Abu Bakar As Siddiq. Saidina Abu Bakar terkejut dengan apa yang diucapkan oleh Hanzalah tersebut.

“Apakah yang telah kau katakan ini wahai Hanzalah?”  Tanya Abu Bakar.

“Wahai Abu Bakr, ketahuilah Hanzalah telah menjadi munafik. Aku ketika bersama Rasulullah aku merasakan seolah-olah syurga dan neraka itu sangat hampir padaku. Aku menangis kerana takutkan neraka. Namun. Dirumah aku ketawa riang bersama anak-anak dan isteriku . Hilang tangis aku bersama Rasulullah. Aku telah menjadi munafik!”  Ujar Hanzalah sambil teresak-esak bimbangkan akan dirinya.

Saidina Abu Bakar terkejut.

“Kalau begitu aku pun munafik. Aku pun sama denganmu wahai Hanzalah.”

Lantas, kedua-dua sahabat ini bersama-sama menemui Rasulullah. Tangisan tidak berhenti. Mereka benar-benar ketakutan. Takut pada Allah. Takut azab neraka yang sedia menunggu para munafik.

Hati mereka gementar.

Sesampainya di hadapan Rasulullah, Hanzalah bersuara.

“Wahai Rasulullah, Hanzalah telah munafik.”

Rasulullah bertanya. “Kenapa?”

“Ketika aku bersamamu ya Rasulullah, aku merasakan seolah-olah syurga dan neraka itu sangat hampir. Lantas air mataku mengalir. Tapi, dirumah aku bergurau senda keriangan bersama anak-anak dan isteriku . Tidakkah aku ini seorang munafik ya Rasulullah”

Rasulullah tersenyum. Lantas baginda bersabda,

“Demi yang jiwaku di tanganNya andai kalian tetap seperti kalian di sisiku dan terus berzikir nescaya para malaikat akan berjabat tangan kalian, sedang kalian berada di atas tempat tidur dan di jalan raya, akan tetapi wahai Hanzalah, ada waktumu (untuk beribadah) dan ada waktumu (untuk duniamu)”. 

(HR. Muslim)

I bursted into tears. Great flood of tears.
O Rasulullah, what a super marvelous Murabbi you are. You truly are..

That time while all of us changing salam, hugging, and biting each other farewell, I have a cocktail of feeling stirred. Scared, fragile, grateful, touched. And really, I felt a lot of being answered. A lot.

*****

Taking a train to in going back to Jogja, Allah set me up to sit with Pawashida. That time when I was busy worrying about the small portion of Nasi Goreng we had, she told me things which made me felt truly contented upon my presence to HAMKA.

“Akak, bukan banyak atau sikitnya makanan tu yang mengenyangkan, tapi Allah”

I was all embarrassed but grateful, indeed. Barakallah Pawashida, Barakallah.. What a good companion you've been.. 

Taking everything in hold in my hands I've somewhat overtime losing my track upon practicing the real yaqeen towards Allah. Thinking about how much I expected for all I've tried, is doing, is getting in my DnT, in my life to fulfill my need and aim, in HAMKA- Allah made me realize that it was Him who decide what the result is.

Bukan banyak atau sikit ilmu yang buat kita faham, tapi Allah. 

The Greatest Murabbi of all.

*****

During our Usrah last night, despite feeling grateful with how our new year is celebrated, despite all the rendang, spaghetti, porridge, tuna buns, and other snacks indulging my tummy- my heart was a lot like a melting jelly. I'm proud and happy with my "adik beradik" upon their current on- the- go move in DnT but I did feel pathetic towards myself because of such. And my heart cut deep when Shida pointed me about mine.

I've lost words to say a thing. I've had enough tears. At times, I have a thought to hand my mutarabbi over to others who deserve to take care of them better.. Who knows the best of plannings and can perform far better than Hanim and me capable of doing. Who can spend more significant moments with them. No, not for my self, but for the sake of them. I won't blame my clinical rotation and my already married- already have a baby- thingy (anymore). The culprit is my own self and knowing that I able not to fulfill their haq as my mutarabbi, as my "daughters"- yeah, I feel "ugly".

I need a hug. A bear hug.

After our Usrah done, I poured everything to Hanim. And I finally could let my tears running. Relieved.

Jalan ini sangat panjang.

It indeed it. No wonder Allah often, very very very often praises the people of "As Sobirin"..

No matter how things going on, at what pace it is, how things being judged, how much I have to mingle around with, I have to go on.
 

"Dan aku tidak meminta imbalan kepadamu atas ajakan itu; imbalanku hanyalah dari Tuhan seluruh alam."

(Asy Syu'ara)

  

Ahlan wa Sahlan 2013.

Another year is completely deducted in our life. Be grateful for the mercy and love from Allah for the years we managed to live in.

Jom sama2 usaha untuk menyegerakan apa yang sepatutnya kita lakukan.