"Pray, and tell Me"

Half of my housemates gathered yesterday (others are sent for practical outside from Jogja) and we were talking about those clinical stuff we had in the hospitals. Those diseases, therapies, patients, etc.. I didn't talk much, tired, I was and I am, another reason is because I haven't been through most of what they were discussing about.

I was upset. Very.

For not knowing and experiencing as much.

For the fact that soon, they are graduating and leaving me earlier.

My clinical rotation scheduled is changed almost 90%. Despite the risks and unknowingly future ahead, after istikharah and mesyuarah, I decided to put my pregnancy and my health as a priority. I only registering myself into departments which is suitable with my current condition. The other departments which require heavy workloads, shifts, and lengthy period will be participated later after this little caliph in my womb is delivered, Biiznillah..

I cried in having the feeling of being left behind. Cried in realizing that all this while, more often than not, I'm mingling with single ladies who can pay a full attention and concern upon carrier- related stuff. I feel lonely though I'm there in the crowd:'(

I wish there are other young mother and future mother for me to spend time with here.. A jackpot if her husband and mother are distance away either.. A lottery- winning if she's studying and working either..

It's not that my colleagues are treating me bad.. They'd been nice. They really are.. Nonetheless, at times, I desperately  need a company who understand what a lady with the status of a wife actually feels, especially when her husband is not by her side.. A lady who is pregnant.. A lady who try her best to perform herself as a caliph and abid. A lady who is studying and working.. A lady who bear all these at the same time in an age considerably very young..

I've tried and trying my best for things to be decided as much as what I've seek the guidance from Allah for. Why would there be times when I can be so firm and sure about it and there would be times I hardly accept things happening in between or after? Why at times I can feel my heart and soul as bold as a steel and at times it turns into a fragile jelly?

I cried and cried the whole night. Praying and desperately bursting everything to Allah. I slept with swollen eyes and breaking heart last night..

This morning, as being planned since few days ago, I went to Pasar Pagi with Shida. We are actually making in into sort of a short jaulah.. My heart is still crying of which I first thought of not going. Nevertheless, I miss Shida, and the other akhwat of my usrah a lot.. They are one of the most heart- soothing gifts from Allah to me.. So I pulled my self up to join.

I bought nothing. But Shida brought a milk for me and she bought some fried mushrooms for us to eat. We walked through the crowd and headed to Maskam (Masjid Kampus i.e Campus Mosque). The pond inside is more beautiful this time where the pink lotus are blooming.. We sat at the edge of the pond, giving food to the fishes inside and chattering around.. I felt refreshed..

Out of nowhere, there was a little boy came standing close next to me. He was so excited seeing all the hungry fishes. I took him to sit on my lap, sharing with him the food to give to the fishes and hugged him tight for his safety.

Then a lady, carrying a baby boy with her came, "Mutar2 cari.. Kamu rupanya di sini ya..."

What a blessed lady with two charming little caliphs.. Subhanallah..

We had a conversation for a while as Mr. Abi then came to bring them home. She showed me how to eat under the niqab whilst holding the baby.. Need to practice that, I believe..

6- month pregnant Mbak Atika, 1- year old Zaid, 2- year old Ismail, and 5- month plus pregnant me~

Farami gave me a set of wall- stickers of which I pasted them right away once I got back home. I have garden of Sakura flowers and flying birds in my room now^^ I've been planning to do some drawing on bedroom wall, now my to- do- list is shortened..

I somehow feel rejuvenated. Grateful. Blithely grateful..
Jazakillah Shida.. Jazakillah Farami.. Jazakillah Mbak Atika.. Jazakallah Ismail and Zaid..

Alhamdulillah Ya Allah..

After my pathetic, so- called baby like crying and talk to Allah last night, He right away sent me a tender calmer a day after. Almost perfectly as what I've been wishing to have. And that definitely not the first time He grant me upon what I pray. Definitely amongst the uncountable gifts He showered me with through all my life based on everything I tell Him about or even I don't even have to do so..

Academically, I always get things that I want. Not perfect and indeed far from excellent, but things had always been pretty smooth fom me. Always.. I'm not that brilliant and genius girl like many others out there, but since I was little, I scored and managed to reach this and that on time. Shame on me to cry when there's a little thing in my life are not happening as splendid as I plan it to be. Especially when Allah actually is giving me another thing, more and more.. How much and how far do I actually able to define that the targets in my life are reached? It's all in the hand of Allah.. That's the reason for those tests from Allah. Teaching me and making be stronger, helping to erase if not much then a little sins I've done, Insya Allah..

Victory in life is not only about our joyous cheers in academic. It is, howbeit as part of the many other pieces in the jigsaw of life we have in proceeding to the real life ahead: hereafter, akhirah. We have other roles in this life too..

Garden next to my bed~

Allah knows better what we deserve to get at certain time and condition. Things are written there, safely kept by Him..










Forgive me O Allah, for able not to all- the- time put my 100% faith in You..
Forgive me O Allah, for able not to all- the time being an obedient slave for You..
Forgive me O Allah, for able not to all- the- time try my best to reach for Your love..
Forgive me O Rasulullah, for able not to all- the- time prove that I'm one of your Ummah who deserve your love and syafaat..

and forgive ummi, honey..

for able not to all- the - time being a strong ummi for you.