Every Little Thing

It's my last week in Psycho-neurotic Department. Will have examinations tomorrow. By that, I have one week break of which I would want it to be spend wonderfully right; with things other than doctor- patient stuff, hospital thingy, clinical matters etc etc etc..

Tika informed about a Daurah in Jakarta of which I was extremely excited to go along. Khuruj is a traveling different from any other traveling, we all know that.. I asked permission from Abg and despite so so so many times I plead, Abg is being firm not to give me the greenlight to go. He's honestly, deeply worried about my condition..

No matter how much he coaxed me, no matter how much Hanim, Tika, and Shida comfort me, I still am in sorrow.. My heart turns gloomy..

Nak pergi:'(

Able not to focus, and crying alone in my room, sobbing in tears thinking about those things I'm facing with whilst being pregnant, I was suddenly "brought" to one video of Khalid al Waleed. The great Sahaba r.a who desperately wanted to die as a martyr. The best of commander, the best of fighter, one who has no fear, chasing for syahid  on the battefield.

Howbeit, he died on his bed instead..

The deathbed of Khalid al Waleed

In sorrow, Khalid asked his friends,

"Do you see a space of the span of a hand, on my leg which is not covered by some scar of the wound of a sword or an arrow or a lance?

Don't you see?

I have sought martyrdom in hundreds of battle..

Why could I not have died in battle..?"

His friend replied, "You could not die in battle."

"Why not?"

(credit)

"You must understand O Khalid.. That when the Messenger of Allah, of whom be the blessings of Allah and peace, named you Sword of Allah, he predetermined that you would not fall in the battle. If you had been killed by the unbeliever, it would have meant that Allah's sword had been broken by an enemy of Allah..

And that could never be."

*****

There are things we may desperately, keenly been dreaming of, nevertheless it happens that those are not for us to have.. Allah knows better what we deserve to get. Or it's not that they are far beyond our reach, nonetheless, it's not the time yet, perhaps..

Allah had prepared us different part of "shares" fairly.

He's The Great Khaliq, He knows us tremendously well. He knows. I believe that.

Surely, there are ways for a lady in a state of pregnancy I'm bearing in now, to always, always, always, at least have the sprinkle of useful and strong role in the path of Allah, Biiznillah.